What Is Attachment Theory & How Does It Impact Your Relationships?

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Oct 10

If you’re into all things mental health and personal development like we are, chances are you’ve probably heard the term “attachment theory” floating around the internet somewhere. Attachment theory has gained more and more popularity in mainstream culture over the last couple of years. And for good reason! It can offer great insights into both our own behavior and the behavior of those around us.

To help shed some light into what attachment theory is and how knowing about the different attachment styles can help you improve the relationships in your life, we will cover the following questions in this article:

What is attachment theory exactly?
What are the different attachment styles?
What is my own attachment style?
What can we do to work towards healthy and secure attachments?

So without a lot of further introduction, let’s dive straight into all things attachment theory!

What is attachment theory?

In short, attachment theory focuses on the types of emotional bonds we create with other people, be that our parents, romantic partners, children, friends, colleagues, etc. The theory was originally put forth by child psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s. He theorized that all throughout life, our attachments to others are shaped by what kinds of bonds we form with our caregivers as newborns/children.

Bowlby suggested that those early bonds are vitally important because they keep us close to our caregivers, provide us with more protection and comfort which increases our chance of survival. Having a strong bond with a caregiver therefore allows the child to develop with an overall sense of security that will then influence the style in which we relate to others throughout our adult life.

According to the theory, our “attachment style” includes the way we behave and interact with other people but also the way we emotionally respond to our relationships. Depending on the kind of experience we had with our first attachments, attachment styles are grouped into four main categories: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized (also called anxious-avoidant).

What are the different types of attachment styles?

The four different groups of attachment styles can easily be visualized in a graph that is based on the level of anxiety and the level of avoidance an individual displays in a relationship which might look something like this chart here:

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Let’s take a closer at each individual attachment style:

1. Secure attachment: A secure attachment style implies that individuals/children are able to form a secure, trusting and loving bond with another individual. Those of us who are securely attached will be capable of getting close to others as well as letting others get close to them. We are able to hold our own boundaries and aren’t distressed by the fact that others might need time or space away from us occasionally.

2. Anxious attachment: An anxious attachment is one of the three forms of insecure attachments. It is defined by a deep fear of abandonment and a desire for validation. Those of us who are anxiously attached might know the feeling of being described as “clingy” or “needy”. Typical behaviors might include constant worrying that the other person is going to leave us, worrying when someone doesn’t text us back or feeling like the other person is never doing “enough” to make us feel loved.

3. Avoidant attachment: Contrary to the anxious attachment style, an avoidant attachment style isn’t defined by a fear of abandonment but rather by a fear of intimacy itself. Those of us who have formed an avoidant attachment will generally rely on ourselves only and shy away from getting close to another person. We might have a difficult time with letting our guard down and trusting other people and the idea of close bonds might make us feel suffocated. We might often be described as “emotionally unavailable”.

4. Disorganized attachment: Last but not least, the disorganized attachment style refers to the rare instance when someone is both anxious and avoidantly attached (which is why it’s also called anxious-avoidant). Those of us who fall into this category might know the feeling of desperately craving intimacy while at the same time also being deeply afraid of it. We often want to have close relationships with others but don’t let ourselves trust others enough to establish them.

What is my own attachment style?

If you’re curious to find out more about your own attachment style, you can choose between two simple and research-based tests to take here.

Aside from that, there are two important things to consider that might help when we’re trying to determine our own attachment styles.

A) Our first attachments to our caretakers can definitely influence our adult attachments but they’re definitely not the end all, be all either.

There has been a lot of research done on the lasting impact of our early childhood attachments. Children who grow up with secure attachments are often more self-confident and self-reliant as they grow up. They see better results in school, have more stable friendships and deal with fewer mental health issues as well.

However, while the first attachment can definitely make a lasting impression, it is entirely possible that our current relationships are more heavily influenced by some other relationship or trauma that we’ve experienced later in life, even in adulthood. So when you’re trying to identify the source of your attachment style keep in mind that there could be a wide variety of things that are influencing it.

B) It’s possible to have different attachment styles in different relationships.

Many of us might have a “primary attachment style” that defines the majority of our relationships across romantic partners, friendship or colleagues. However, it is entirely possible to feel anxiously attached to your romantic partner while at the same time feeling avoidantly attached to your parents or friends. In many cases, it is the attachment style of the other person and the dynamic between the two individuals that can influence our bounds more than some predetermined way of being.

What can we do to work towards healthy and secure attachments?

As with most things that concern our personal healing journey, the path towards establishing secure attachments if we’re used to insecure ones in the past can be long, yet rewarding. What that journey looks like for you, will depend on a lot of individual factors. However, we’ve collected a few things that might be good starting points on your journey.

1. Improve your self-image and practice more self-love.

One of the main foundations of all of the insecure attachment styles is the belief that for some reason, we are not deserving or capable of establishing a long-lasting and secure relationship. We’re often incapable of loving ourselves to the point where we cannot comprehend why anyone else would want to love us.

Learning how to reconstruct our self-image and actually putting in the work to learn to deeply love ourselves, flaws and all, can usually have a huge impact on the way we are able to relate to those around us. If you want to learn more about this journey, you can read more about how to get started here.

2. Consider doing some inner child work.

Even if we’re not consciously aware of it, the traumas and experiences that shape our childhood can often follow us long into our adult lives. Another psychological theory that has gained popularity in recent years is that of the “inner child” coined by Carl Jung and it refers to the idea that for all of us, there still remains a part of our minds that represents who we were at multiple points in our childhood - both for our good and negative experiences. Anything that would cause us to form insecure attachments would also cause our inner child to become wounded.

The idea of “inner child work” basically consists of trying to reconnect with the child that once was wounded and learning how to let go and reprocess those negative emotions that caused your wounding in the first place. If you want to learn more about this, check out one of our articles here.