How To Be Single & Discover Who You Really Are (+ why it’s so important)
“How can you find your soulmate if you don’t really know your own soul?”
In today’s day and age, it has become increasingly normal to jump from relationship to relationship and many of us rarely get to spend prolonged periods of time being single. When we don’t truly spend time on our own, we never get the chance to discover who we are outside of our relationships.
Of course, going on the quest to “find yourself” is much more complex than just eating delicious pasta, meditating every day and then magically falling in love on a beach in Thailand. In reality, the process is both beautiful and messy at the same time and it usually requires that we find the strength to commit to our own self-discovery journey as our top priority.
In this article, we want to share some of the reasons why being single and spending time discovering who you are outside of a relationship are so important to our long-term happiness. We’ll also cover what that process might look like and what you can do to get started.
The importance of spending time single
So many of us are accustomed to going through life focusing only on the question “Am I being chosen?”. However, we rarely spend any time thinking “Do I choose this?”. If we learn how to shift our perspective from needing the validation of a relationship to trying to find what’s best for us without a rush, we become empowered to start making better relationship decisions.
Being single can be an incredibly fruitful time to do exactly that. It can help you…
Figure out your own values, morals, interests and goals
Learn how to be alone without being lonely
Learn how to love yourself and increase your self-worth
Focus your time on fulfilling your own dreams/goals without the responsibilities and compromises associated with a relationship
Build strong foundational friendships and other relationships in your community
All of the things listed above will help you lead a more meaningful and fulfilled life on your own but also make you a better partner and increase your chances of being able to sustain a healthy relationship in the long-run.
How to start discovering who you really are
So if you’re finding yourself in a situation where you are single and hoping to lean into the process of discovering who you really are, then here are three simple steps to help you get started.
1. Be willing to let go of who you think you are right now.
This first step is much easier said than done actually. Before we can fully commit to the journey of finding ourselves, we have to understand that we might discover things about ourselves (both positive and negative!) that we never thought possible. We have to be willing to give up who we currently are and embark on a journey into the unknown. Of course, that doesn’t mean we have to give up everything we currently like forever.
You could think of it like the process of cleaning out that pesky junk drawer in your home. For those of you who are familiar with the Marie Kondo method, you might understand what we’re trying to get at here. The most effective strategy to declutter anything (including your personal interests and values) is to start by taking everything out at the same time and then only putting those things back that truely spark a sense of joy in you.
2. Lean into the things that make you go into a “flow” state.
Once you’ve taken everything about who you are “out of the drawer”, it is time to assess whether or not you want to keep it. The most important thing about this part of the journey is awareness. Pay attention to what kinds of activities, behaviors, topics, people, places, etc. make you feel like you are in a state of flow (= a mental state in which you feel totally in the zone, forget about time and feel fully immersed in the activity you are doing). And then slowly but surely, work to increase the time that you spend in that state.
If you’ve been disconnected from your authentic self for a long time, you might only feel complete flow for a few minutes here or there but that is absolutely normal. You might realize that everything you’ve been doing in your life feels like it doesn’t actually align with your soul. Or you might notice that there are only one or two things that really make you feel alive.
However, if you keep paying attention and leaning into the things that make you feel that sense of flow, no matter how small they might appear in the beginning, then over time you will see an increase in your understanding of who you are and what it is that sets your soul on fire!
3. Continue on your path and eventually the right things will come to you.
At the root of it, self-discovery is more than just a process to prepare you for being in a healthy and fulfilling relationship, it’s a way of life and a journey that you can embark on for the rest of your life. So once you’re on that path of self-discovery and you’re learning how to follow your own flow, then the next step is simply to keep the course steady and keep heading in that same direction.
While this sounds fairly simple, during this phase of discovering yourself you will most likely feel the most resistance. Why? Because the journey isn’t always going to be glamorous or insightful or even fun at times. Real self-discovery takes patience and commitment and it won’t always include Instagram-worthy moments to share on social media.
But if you’re able to stay committed and you continue to pay attention to the things that spark joy for you, then you will eventually see how everything in your life will start to transform. The things that weren’t meant for you will slowly fall away and those that were will continue to expand and bring you more happiness than you ever thought possible.
Once you’ve reached this state and new people enter your life, it will be much easier to tell whether or not they align with you based on how you feel when you’re around them. You’ll have a very clear vision of who you are and what your purpose is and that will empower you to make relationship decisions that are both healthy and fulfilling in the long-run.
As with everything in life, there will be difficult moments along the way.
We would never suggest otherwise. But once you have an inner compass that guides you in every decision you make, you’ll be able to weather a storm with much more certainty, knowing that no matter what happens, you can still make sure you’re heading in the right direction.
Need help along the way?
If you’re interested in doing this kind of work, there are many therapists, counsellors and coaches out there who understand and are trained in helping their clients go on a self-discovery journey. Getting professional help can be an incredible tool for anyone on their personal healing journey and we highly encourage you to do so if you think it could be the right fit for you!
Additionally, we provide lots of resources for you to dive into this work in a safe, supportive way in The Self Care Space. We have everything from self-guided prompts and programs to guided meditations and healing visualizations to help you reconnect with your true self. We also have amazing advisory board members who specialize in this area and will be there to answer your questions in the private community or at our members-only live events. Whichever route you choose, we just want you to know we are proud of you for showing up for yourself in the first place!
xoxo,
The Self Care Space
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