How To Know If You’re In A Toxic Relationship
Managing a healthy relationship naturally comes with ups and downs, there is no doubt about that. However, some relationships are more difficult to manage than others and unfortunately, some can be downright toxic. In many cases, these are also the most difficult to leave.
As humans, we all seek love and connection and avoid loss and rejection, so when we find ourselves trying to assess whether we are in a toxic relationship, we can often have a hard time looking at the situation with perspective.
Whether you’re new to the topic or you’re having trouble deciding if you’re in one - we’ve put together a list of signs that might help you identify a toxic relationship.
(Important side note: this is just a general list of the most common signs of toxic relationships that may or may not apply to you. If you’re unsure about your relationship (or there is any abuse involved) please make sure to seek professional help and support).
1. There’s tons of built-up resentment.
Listen, things will get messy when you’re in a serious, intimate relationship with another person and that’s absolutely normal. You’re allowed to have fights and get angry at each other. But the thing about a healthy relationship is that conflict is supposed to be a tool to help you resolve differences and move forward together. Conflict is not something that should remain unresolved and keep you stuck where you are.
If things go wrong and you ignore the conflict or suppress any emotions involved, then over time you will start to build up a pile of resentment associated with your partner and the relationship. If you find yourself frustrated and holding grudges for long periods of time, then that’s a possible sign that something in the dynamic of your relationship could be off and you might not be engaging with each other in a way that promotes emotional and mental stability.
2. You or your partner are walking on eggshells all the time.
Your relationship is meant to be your safe place. If you love each other unconditionally, then you should be able to come to each other with any problem, relationship-related or not, and know what your partner will be there for you (even if they don’t fully understand or agree). You should also be able to trust that your partner is compassionate enough to see things from your perspective, especially in moments when you make a mistake or screw up, without flying off the handle or threatening to end the relationship.
In a toxic relationship on the other hand, you’ll never feel the solid ground underneath your feet. Every moment can feel like you’re walking on eggshells. If you say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, that could be it and your partner might decide to leave you. If you find yourself constantly re-reading text messages you’ve sent to make sure you worded everything perfectly or are afraid to tell your partner about something going on in your life - then that might be a sign that your relationship doesn’t have the solid foundation it needs to thrive.
3. You can’t communicate effectively without fighting.
Good communication is the key to a healthy and functioning relationship. The two of you are coming together to create a new union and that involves learning to bridge inevitable differences between you and your partner. What is important is that you can communicate through those differences, learn to make effective compromises and then emerge with a stronger bond because of it.
If every time that you disagree with each other (whether that be a small disagreement like “Where should we eat tonight?” or a big one like “Do you want to have children?”), a fight ensues between the two of you, then you might be stuck in a toxic relationship pattern that isn’t bringing out the best in you or your partner.
4. You’re not allowed to feel any negative emotions.
Just as having differences and disagreements is an inevitable part of any relationship, so is feeling other negative emotions like anger, frustration, sadness or jealousy from time to time. We’re all human and just because we enter into a loving relationship with someone, doesn’t mean that we should be expected to become emotional robots who never experience any negative emotions.
In general, emotions have evolved as tools that serve very context-specific functions that help you through life. What that means is that whether you are experiencing a positive or negative emotion, that emotion is useful and serves a specific purpose for your body. Of course we want to learn how to limit certain negative emotions, but a healthy and supportive relationship should never make you feel like it isn’t okay for you to experience them as a whole.
5. One or both partners try to control each other's behavior.
Being in a committed long-term relationship means letting your guard down, not being as selfish as you were when you were single and sometimes allowing another person to influence you and your behavior/emotions. This giving up of control is one of the beautiful yet terrifying things that comes with being in a relationship and is completely normal.
What isn’t normal is one or both partners trying to abuse the influence and control they have over the other person in order to always get their way. Like we mentioned before, differences are inevitable but they should be resolved in a way that works for both you and your partner, and not at the expense of either. If you’re finding yourself in a relationship where you are being controlled or manipulated into behaving in certain ways that don’t resonate with you then something in the balance and reciprocity of your relationship might be off.
6. You or your partner’s needs go unmet on a consistent basis.
You are human. And so is your partner. What that means is that you both have a large variety of physical, emotional and mental needs. And in all likelihood, your needs and your partner’s needs can vary quite drastically at certain times in your life together. What’s important to remember is that as a couple we need to make sure that all needs are heard and then both parties try their best to meet each other’s needs, without disregarding their own.
This can be a tricky journey and one that will require honesty, compassion and good communication. However, if you’re noticing that you are doing everything you can to meet your partner’s needs and you find that more often than not, your needs are going completely unregarded - then perhaps that could be another sign that your relationship isn’t providing the fulfillment that it should.
7. You or your partner are chronically trying to fix or save each other.
One of the most beautiful things about being in a relationship is that you can support each other when life gets difficult. Being there for your partner when they really need you can be an incredibly rewarding feeling but you should never feel like that is the only purpose you serve within the relationship. It should never be your main focus to fix or save your partner, and neither should you expect that it would be your partner’s main focus to save you. That kind of pressure would be toxic for both of you.
Similarly, being in a relationship with someone because you love the idea of “who they could be once you fix them” is just as toxic. In a healthy relationship, you should accept each other for who you currently are, while still being able to acknowledge each other’s shortcomings and making it clear that you both take responsibility for working on your own.
8. Your partner doesn’t seem to care about improving your relationship.
Not all of the signs we’ve mentioned in this article necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed to failure. Change is possible. As a couple, you can learn how to communicate effectively, set better boundaries and respect each other’s needs. But it will always come down to both partners being willing to actually put in the effort that is required to bring about that change.
So if you find yourself in a situation where you’re noticing one or more of the signs of a toxic relationship pattern and your partner doesn’t seem interested in wanting to work on making your relationship better, then that might be the most telling sign that this relationship isn’t for you. There is another person out there who will love you, understand you and be willing to make your relationship work no matter the difficulty - so let go of what is currently holding you back and go out to find that person. You deserve it!
Need more support on your journey?
Regardless of whether you want to try to improve your current relationship or you want to leave your toxic relationship to focus on yourself for a while - here at The Self Care Space, we’ve made it our mission to support you through all of it.
Our membership has everything from self-guided prompts and programs on “How to love yourself” and “healthy relationships”, guided meditations, healing visualizations and live workshops. We also have amazing advisory board members who specialize in a variety of different topics and who will be there to answer your questions in the private community or at our members-only live events. If you want to know more or are interested in signing up , you can find out all the relevant information here.
Whichever route you choose, we just want you to know we are proud of you for showing up for yourself in the first place!
xoxo,
The Self Care Space
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